FRUSTRATED VOTER – John Cleese
GOP OFFICIAL – Michael Palin
(If anyone wants to make this an actual video, be my guest. I do not have the technical skills.)
A voter enters GOP headquarters.
VOTER: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(GOP OFFICIAL does not respond.)
VOTER: ‘Ello, is this the GOP?
GOP: What do you mean GOP?
VOTER: I’m sorry, I meant Party of Lincoln. I wish to make a complaint!
GOP: Sorry, we’re closed to new ideas.
VOTER: It’s not a new idea. I wish to complain about this “business person” you foisted upon us over a year ago—from your very office.
GOP: Oh yes, the, uh, the Donald Trump…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with him?
VOTER: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with him, my lad. He’s brain dead, that’s what’s wrong with him!
GOP: No, no, he’s just uh,…unconventional.
VOTER: Look, matey, I know brain-dead when I see it, and this one’s flatlining right now.
GOP: No no he’s not dead, he’s, he’s—intuitive!
GOP: Yeah, intuitive. Remarkably perceptive, that Donald Trump, ay? Intelligent and telegenic!
VOTER: Don’t care if he’s telekinetic. He’s dead weight.
GOP: No, no, no! He’s the future!
VOTER: All right then, let’s see if he can hear destiny calling!
(shouts at the cage)
‘Ello, Donald! Donald Trump! I’ve got a lovely Bill O’Reilly interview for you if you want it, Donald Trump…
(GOP OFFICIAL hits the cage)
GOP: There, he jumped in the polls!
VOTER: No, he didn’t. That was you pumping up his base!
GOP: I never!!
VOTER: Yes, you did!
GOP: I never, never…
VOTER: (pulls Trump out of cage and screams in his ear) ‘ELLO Donald!!!!! Donald! Donald Trump! Anyone home?
(bangs Trump’s head against store counter)
Liberals, transexuals, immigrants coming to your door!
(Tosses him up in air, watches him plummet to floor. Pause.)
VOTER: That’s what I call completely out of touch.
GOP: No, no…..No, he’s regroupin’!
GOP: Yeah! You caught him as he was strat-a-gizin’. Trump plays the long game, you know.
VOTER: Look, my lad, I’ve had just about enough of this. That Trump is a drag on our party, and when we lost the election last time, you assured me the total lack of support for the GOP was due to Mitt Romney’s tiny vanilla-bean balls.
GOP: Well, aw…he, ah…he did solidify the white male 1-percent base.
VOTER: 1 percent base?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? And Trump – why did he stomp on every dick in our party in the primaries?
GOP: He was going rogue! Such a free spirit, guv. Lovely energy!
VOTER: Look, I took the liberty of examining Donald Trump when I got home, and I discovered the only reason he had any support to begin with is he nailed himself to the white racist right.
GOP: Well, o’ course he did! If he hadn’t nailed himself to ‘em, he would have had to bare his taxes and prance about like a common middle-of-the-road conservative prat just to get some media attention, and then….
(Puts cage down, takes Trump in his hands.)
Look, matey, he’s a failed businessman and TV personality. He all but shagged his secretary on “The Apprentice.” His career’s a joke!
GOP: No, no! He’s going to make America great again!
VOTER: He’s not going to make anything great! He’s brain dead! He’s divorced from reality! He has ceased to make sense! He’s politico non gratis! He is a dead end. He’s a stiff! Bereft of facts, he drags everything down! If he hadn’t sucked up to the extremists, he’d be doing infomercials! His ideas are of interest only to comedians! He’s buggering his running mate! He’s pissing on the nation. He screwed every minority, and joined the bleedin’ nutbag choir!! HE…IS A SOCIOPATH!!
GOP: Well, we’d better replace him, then.
(He takes a quick peek behind the counter)
VOTER: If you want to get anything done in this country, you have to throw a nutty and foam at the mouth.
GOP: Sorry squire, we’re right out of intelligent conservatives.
VOTER: I see. I see, I get the picture.
GOP: I got a slug.
VOTER: Does it talk?
GOP: Not really. No.
VOTER: Well then it’s over-qualified, isn’t it?!!???!!?
GOP: Um, I guess so.
(Gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
GOP: (quietly, leaning over counter) D’you…. d’you want to go get liberal and naughty?
VOTER: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.